Blogging Dani

The End

2012-01-14T21:10:00.003-07:00

I realized a person or two may still be checking my page to see if I've updated, so here is a helpful notice: I don't think I'll post anymore. I've lost interest. But thank you for reading. You're great. I'll probably be back someday, some year. I'll let you know. I'm sure you're my facebook friend, so I'll let you know there. Until then, farewell.

Pie Heaven

2011-10-27T11:26:00.002-06:00

Last night, instead of working out, I participated in a pie eating contest.

Here is my question for you, Universe:

I ate that pie faster than any living thing has ever been known to eat pie. So how come I didn't win?

I have something to say about Encyclopedia Brown

2011-10-13T23:01:00.002-06:00

First of all, he's the smartest kid in town. I'm not arguing with that. But there is one case of his that I always think back on with a little bit of doubt.

There was a contest of smarts going on, and it was down to the final two contestants. Each would get a prize. One of the contestants was the son of a man who kept books for a living. Anyways, the last question was: "Name a word that has three sets of double letters in a row." One kid came up with a word and won first prize, but the aforementioned son of the accountant got it wrong and earned second prize.

After the prizes were awarded, they discovered that the first place prize was broken. It was up to Encyclopedia to discover who had broken it. But guess what. He already knew. You flip to the back of the book and Encyclopedia tells you: The second place guy did it, of course. He was the son of an accountant, so there was no way he didn't know an answer to the final question: BOOKKEEPER. So he obviously threw the competition in order to avoid winning the first place prize, which he had to have known was broken.

Here is my thought on that one, Encyclopedia: JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE THE SON OF AN ACCOUNTANT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE REALIZED THAT A WORD DESCRIBING YOUR FATHER'S PROFESSION HAS THREE DOUBLE LETTERS IN A ROW.

I think that would be pretty easy to miss.

But still. Kudos to you, Encyclopedia, for realizing that if George Washington had REALLY stabbed a tree with his sword and left it there for hundreds of years, the sword would have grown with the tree and been out of reach. And for knowing that if a kid had really abandoned his telescope in the middle of examining the sun, three hours later the telescope would have to be aimed at a spot in the sky where the sun no longer was.

I still think of you as the best boy detective around.

The shopping question I hate most:

2011-09-27T22:06:00.000-06:00

"Did you find everything you were looking for?"

I wish they wouldn't ask that. The answer is too often no, and where does the conversation go after that?

"Did you find everything you were looking for?"
"No, you didn't have queen-sized purple cotton bed sheets."
[or "No, you didn't have black stretch pants for a baby boy."]
[or "No, you didn't have deodorant that smells like cookies."]
[or "No, you didn't have a painting of downtown Boise done in the style of Ernst Ludwig Kirchner."]
[or "No, you didn't have reasonably priced gouda cheese."]
"Oh. Yeah. We don't have that."
"Yep."

Did either of us get anything out of that exchange? I certainly did not. So I usually answer the question like this:

"Yes."

But then I feel a little bit resentful because they put me in a position where I had to lie.

The shopping question I hate least:

"Would it be all right if we gave you all this stuff for free?"

A great day

2011-09-23T10:49:00.001-06:00

1. I signed my name as "Dr. Gee" on the receipt at Dr. Gee's office.
2. I accidentally lost said receipt before I could hand it back to the billing lady.
3. I locked my keys, phone, and burp rags in the car and had to wait for the locksmith (after borrowing a smart phone from a stranger) with a barf-covered baby.

Pancakes

2011-09-01T14:36:00.000-06:00

When the waiter came to check on us at dinner the other night, he found that I had eaten every single bite of my four gigantic blueberry pancakes as well as my two eggs and two bacons.

He said,

"Oh! You ate it all!"

I said,

He tried to recover by saying,

"That's awesome."

But did he really think it was awesome? I didn't really think it was awesome. I thought it was horrific.

Here's the thing: I love pancakes. If I'm going to eat pancakes, I'm REALLY going to eat pancakes. I think, in general, I eat like a man.

Here's the other thing: Parks and Recreation had a disappointingly not funny first season, but then after that, it started to get amazing. I figured this out when I was out of stuff to watch on Netflix. There's this one part when Andy and his band are playing for the senior citizens and no one is cheering or flashing them so he can't tell if they're doing okay. His bandmate says "Maybe you should try singing like Louis Armstrong." Andy says, "Maybe, yeah." Then he adds, "Here's the thing, though: Who is that?"

So.... now I have this one phrase that I find myself plopping into every single conversation I have. Plop.

Another shining moment on Talk of the Nation

2011-08-22T13:52:00.002-06:00

Host: Jeannie, welcome.

Caller: Thank you.

[Awkward pause.]

Guest: Jeannie, welcome to the program.

Caller: Thank you very much.

[Awkward pause.]

Host (slightly annoyed): Jeannie, you're on the air. Go ahead.

People! Here are some Talk of the Nation rules of thumb that you need to memorize before you call in!

1. Don't ask the host how he is doing. He already answered that question 20 times.

2. Dive right into your comment! Don't wait for a prompt from the host.

3. When you hear the music, WRAP IT UP!

And there you have it. Now get on that phone, call up Neal Conan, and make me proud!

Letting myself go

2011-08-03T21:37:00.004-06:00

This afternoon I got out of the shower and never ended up brushing my hair. The makeup also never happened and I accidentally had my shirt on inside out. Seth came home and took a look at everything and said, "Did you do something special with your hair today?"

Husband of the Year.

Three things about Jonah

2011-07-29T10:29:00.005-06:00

1. He doesn't realize that he has to take his pacifier out of his mouth when he wants to suck on something else, so he just bangs the something else against his pacifier and looks confused.

2. He's very pleasant about it when I unceremoniously snatch the clean diaper he's been playing with from his hands so I can use it to cover his bum.

3. He likes to tell the water who's boss as he enthusiastically smacks it down in the bathtub.

One thing you need not bother packing for your next trip to Portland:

2011-07-18T11:38:00.002-06:00

Sunglasses.

Also, pajamas, if you have a baby. You will not be getting any sleep because your baby will be waking up for a good cry at least 5 times per night. He will not relent, even after a stern talking to. Your friend Gaye may offer to quietly reason with him over the phone, but you will probably say no thank you because by this point you have lost your faith in his ability to be persuaded. Also because you are pretty sure she meant the offer as a joke.

But you will still enjoy your trip to Portland because they sell doughnuts in the shape of voodoo dolls and they have a polar bear at the zoo. Also you get to see your grandma even though when you called to tell her you were coming to see her she thought you said your name was Bonnie and so was expecting a friend from San Francisco who she hadn't seen in years. You don't understand why she would think her friend Bonnie would be calling her Mana, but you just take it all in stride because this is Mana we're talking about. Mana, the mother of Tatu.

A quote

2011-07-02T13:30:00.001-06:00

Said (through her tears) by a girl in the church youth group I'm involved in as I finished up singing a song for her and her sisters on the way home from an activity:

"I'm not crying because I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying because it's so beautiful."

P.S. This was a lie.

BREAKING NEWS (For immediate release)

2011-07-01T13:13:00.003-06:00

PRINCE WILLIAM AND HIS WIFE SHOOK SOME PEOPLE'S HANDS! IN CANADA!!!

If you are a national news outlet, you will want to make absolutely sure that all your readers/viewers know about this.

Other things the royals do that your audience will definitely want to know about:

Go shopping.
Use the bathroom.
Admire gardens.
Wear pants.

This is how my friend from New Zealand pronounces "prayers":

2011-06-27T11:34:00.002-06:00

"Prizz."

She also says bum bag instead of fanny pack because fanny means something that is not butt.

Whoops

2011-06-22T10:06:00.003-06:00

I accidentally made a disgusting lunch for my picnic meet-up with Seth today.

How come no one ever told me that dill pickles do not belong in egg salad? There was obviously a glaring gap in my culinary education.

I saw something nasty in the woodshed.

2011-06-15T13:17:00.003-06:00

And it was:

A dead cat.

It wasn’t actually in the woodshed, but I will like you more[1] if you can tell me where that quote comes from.[2]

The dead cat was:

In the rose bushes in my front yard.

As I’m sure you would have done too, I screamed. The neighbor across the street came barreling over to see if he needed to grab his shot gun. When I told him why I was screaming, his face and voice both turned somber. It quickly went from a moment of pity for Dani to a moment of pity for the cat and its owner. (WHAT?)

He went and got the neighbor whose cat it was (had been), and I took a cue from the first neighbor and expressed sympathy for his loss.

Later I came back to my senses and remembered I’M the one who needs sympathy because I’M the one who stumbled upon a DEAD CAT in the rose bushes.

[1] The relative degree to which my liking for you increases depends fully on how much I like you now. If I already like you a lot, then this added knowledge can only be a drop in the sea of my appreciation of you. But if I only barely tolerate you, then you might move up to the level of respectful tolerance, which I’d say is a big jump.

[2] This line, in addition to being from a movie, is what always runs through my head after changing Jonah’s diapers.

Tatu, Tatu, Tatu!

2011-05-19T15:29:00.002-06:00

My mom saw this picture of my cousin (whom I visited two days ago) on Facebook today:

She commented: "Jeremy, I'm jealous! You got to hold Jonah!"

In case anyone else was confused, I'd like to clarify: This is not my baby. He is not made of yarn.

How Traveling Is

2011-05-19T15:08:00.003-06:00

I'm writing the profile of a lady who worked several jobs to save up for a trip to Israel. When she got there, she lived in a commune and worked in a bakery for a month, then started drifting. She went to Egypt, Jordan, Cyprus, Holland, France, etc., picking up other jobs along the way.

"You know how traveling is," she said. "One thing leads to another."

"No," I said. "Not really."

When I travel, I hope the hotel has a king-size bed and cable and good food. Because, see, I really like to LIVE my life. First-hand! Seizing the bull by the horns! Relishing diversity and all the world has to offer! Who's with me?

Just another episode in the Adventures of Supermom

2011-04-21T09:54:00.002-06:00

Jonah had his 4-month check-up the other day, and as I was carrying my naked baby to the scale*, the nurse started laughing and pulled a Snickers wrapper off his back.

At least there wasn't chocolate smeared on his face.

I just remembered that this is the same nurse who pointed out my jacket still had a tag on it a couple months ago. She must be SO IMPRESSED with me as a person. I'll have to think of something to do next time to continue her good impression: Mismatched shoes? Walking into glass doors? Poop on Jonah's face? Poop on MY face?

*The results of the weighing and measuring: Very tall, kinda skinny, SMALL HEAD, skullet.

An interview with Dani Grigg

2011-04-04T17:31:00.002-06:00

Q: What name did Seth call you last night?

A: Sheetmaster.

Q: Why did he call you that?

A: Because I can fold fitted sheets like a pro.

Q: How did you learn how to do that?

A: YouTube.

Q: What was the other reason he called you that?

A: He was trying to butter me up so he wouldn't have to fold the sheet himself.

Q: Did it work?

A: Yes.

The reason we do not use the toilet in the master bathroom very often:

2011-03-22T14:00:00.000-06:00

It rocks.

Sniff, sniff

2011-03-12T12:21:00.001-07:00

Here is a song that my sister, my cousin, and I wrote on the last day of one of our semi-annual week-long get-togethers:

Even though we're far apart

We're still together in our hearts.

Even when we're miles away

We think of cousins every day.

A cousin will be your friend forever!

Despite the fact we seldom get together!

And though we seldom ever sleep

We'll have memories to keep

Forever....

This was sung with very earnest, sad looks in our eyes in an effort to manipulate our parents into letting us stay some extra days.

I am thinking one of us must have had "seldom" as a vocabulary word in the near past.

My sister once insisted to me (hurting my pride and my feelings at the time) that she had been the creative genius behind most if not all of that song. From the distance at which I sit now, I am fully ready to hand over all credit to her, even if she doesn't want it anymore.

This memory also includes the sight of our parents crying a little as they watched us sing. But there's no way that's an accurate memory. I'm a parent now, so I know that if my kid pulled a stunt like this, I would snort him out of the family.

A First Kiss Story

2011-03-11T12:01:00.003-07:00

I went to a Relief Society dinner this week, and we did that game where you have to answer questions based on the color of M&Ms you have in your pile. A girl across the table from me was responding to the prompt "Tell us about your first kiss."

She prefaced her response by saying, "Well, this isn't about a first kiss, but I want to tell it anyway."

Then she started talking about how she used to work with an 80-year-old man at a drug store.

I decided to be really hilarious, so I said, "Wait, this is about a FIRST KISS??" I know. My hilarity knows no bounds. Kissing an 80-year-old man? Obviously not where the story was going, but SUCH a creative joke, right?

The girl laughed and said no and continued with her story and ten seconds later was interrupted by another girl who hadn't heard my hilarious joke. She said, "Wait, this is about a FIRST KISS??"

Whoops.

So the story teller said no again and then continued with her story, which ended like this:

"On my last day of work, he asked if he could have a goodbye kiss. I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, but at the last second he turned his head and KISSED ME ON THE LIPS!!!"

Woah there and ew! Didn't see that one coming.

This is what a plate of chocolate chip cookies looks like after I have had my way with it:

2011-03-10T11:06:00.001-07:00

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A word I need to incorporate into my vocabulary:

2011-03-01T14:26:00.001-07:00

Heroically!

As in, "The proposal was HEROICALLY unpopular."

Right?

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Ew.

2011-02-16T17:34:00.003-07:00

I went looking for this toy* and found it in Jonah's room.

Then I walked into the kitchen, toy in hand, and looked down in Jonah's bouncer. To my horror, there was the toy again.

I cannot explain this.

It reminds me of the time I went to church and looked up to see a lady I know, and sitting right next to her was... herself. There were two of her.** I got the chills and almost threw up.

*I use the word "toy" loosely--this particular "toy" does not provide any "fun times." Borrring.

**Twins! Which is always creepy, but more creepy when they are 50 years old and still have the same haircut and glasses and you didn't know the other one existed.

A few items of business

2011-02-11T23:28:00.001-07:00

1. I have gotten so used to talking to someone (hint: a baby) who doesn't talk back that the other day I found myself explaining to a spider in a very nice voice why he had to die.

2. Seth, would you like to name our next child Hosni?

3. Yesterday as I walked past our neighbors' side yard, their mean dog screamed at me and body slammed the fence as usual, only this time he managed to accomplish his goal, which was to knock over the fence. Okay, not the whole fence. Just a board. He was stunned for a second, then he resumed screaming and body slamming and trying to squeeze through the gap so he could kill me. Get a life, man.

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A Translation

2011-01-31T16:42:00.002-07:00

Winner take all = Let's play until I finally win a round and then call it good for the night.

A Regret

2011-01-15T16:59:00.003-07:00

I was in the first grade, and we were working on math. The teacher said those who had finished their worksheets early could go and help the kids who hadn't finished yet. So I stood up and walked over to a kid who had his hand raised for help. Kristopher. With a K.

The help went like this:

Problem: 6+7=?

Me: "Six plus four is?"

Kristopher: "Ten."

Me: "Plus three is?"

Kristopher: "Thirteen!"

Problem: 8+6=?

Me: "Eight plus two is?"

Kristopher: "Ten."

Me: "Plus four is?"

Kristopher: "Fourteen!"

Etc.

Good stuff, right?

Days later, same situation. I again approached Kristopher with a K, whose hand was raised for help.

The difference? I was in a bad mood! Everything was annoying me! There was the self-righteous thought floating around in my brain that I shouldn't be doing all the work for him.

So the help went like this:

Problem: 6+7=?

Me: "Six plus seven is?"

Kristopher: (Pause.)

Kristopher: "I want you to do it that way you did before, when you broke it up."

Me: "NO!!"

Me: "Six plus seven is?"

Kristopher: (Pause.) (Fingers consulted.) (Dejectedly:) "Thirteen."

Etc.

It didn't take many minutes after we were done for me to realize that this kind of help was no help at all. Sadly, that was the last time our teacher had the faster students help the slower students with math.

I am sure Kristopher is out there somewhere, trying to calculate his portion of a restaurant bill or estimate the number of friends he has or whatever, numbers swirling all around him, fingers being consulted, confusion reigning. I've always wished I could go back and explain how the math worked in my head so he could maybe make it work that way in his head.

But alas. I missed my chance to change his life through the joy of mathematics.

A weird thing Seth does

2010-12-29T20:12:00.003-07:00

When he's channel surfing, he gives every channel a chance. Like, even 6-3, The Cool TV, which is second-string music videos from the last three or so decades. And 9-2, the CW's back-up channel. For the shows not quite good enough to run on the real CW. And all four channels of public television. ALL FOUR. ALL FOUR!

Also, when his back itches, he arranges his back against the door frame and shimmies like a bear.

Also, today he accidentally put on two pairs of underwear.

Jonah

2010-12-26T21:42:00.003-07:00

Some consequences of my son being born at Christmas time:

1. Some of the presents that said "to Dani" on them were fakes. They were actually to Jonah (which is okay, since his stuff is my stuff).
2. My brother David makes all kinds of blasphemous comments. For example, during the church Christmas program: "Dani! Someday people will be gathered together to sing songs about Jonah!" Nope.
3. Seth sings this song entitled "Jonah the Baby" to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman." I'll spare you most of the details, but the part that normally goes "thumpety thump thump" now involves Seth making farting noises. What a charmer.

Mistakes I have made

2010-11-12T13:59:00.001-07:00

1. Buying fat free chicken broth.

2. Buying "lite" maple syrup.

Live and learn.

In the nude

2010-11-10T10:57:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I picture my baby in my womb, and those are the times when it really comes home to me that he is completely naked in there.

Voting for one

2010-11-02T14:30:00.003-06:00

Today when I showed up at my voting place, a lady saw my enlarged middle and was like, "Voting for two, huh?" I smiled but didn't know what to say except "yes."

Then I went to the next table to collect my ballot, and the guy giving them out was like, "Here are two ballots for you."

I thought, Wow, same joke twice?

I said, "Oh, he's not old enough."

Ballot Man's face said, Who is this crazy lady and what is she talking about?

His mouth said, "What?"

I said, "Um. Never mind." And I blushed.

Turns out you get one ballot for constitutional amendments and one ballot for political offices. Two ballots.

So much for trying to function normally in the world!

Epilogue:

Then I came home and saw I had driven away from my house without bothering to close the garage door. Welcome, thieves and murderers!

A dumb thing that I do every day:

2010-10-20T22:42:00.002-06:00

Take my contacts out before I locate my glasses.

This is a problem when your eyes can't see the countertop (or anything else) from a height of 5'6 3/4".

Another dumb thing I do every day: take my glasses off wherever I darn well please and leave them there, rendering them unfindable.

Life is so hard.

Announcement

2010-10-17T12:45:00.001-06:00

Seth's deodorant is called Swagger.

Cannerying

2010-10-06T14:56:00.002-06:00

To the people who eat the pears I helped can yesterday: I'm sorry if they're the worst canned pears you've ever had. I did not mean to suck at canning.

And to the people who run the cannery: I'm sorry if your machines are ruined. I did not mean to get those pears in those places.

Game plan

2010-09-26T15:28:00.002-06:00

The other day I stumbled across some pictures of myself from a few (okay, several) years ago, and I looked FABULOUS. (How come I didn't know this at the time?)

I would like to get back to looking FABULOUS, so I have been evaluating my life from that time period for clues to how I can do it again. Here are the ideas I've come up with so far:

1. Eat 6 desserts a day.

2. Be 19.

3. Have a crush on every boy you see.

4. Don't be pregnant.

5. Never sleep.

Number 4 will be taken care of in 3 months, and number 5 will be a necessary consequence thereof. I don't think Seth would be on board with number 3 (though maybe I should check with him to make sure), and number 2 is impossible.

So that leaves me with a 1-point task list for the new year. I think I am up for the challenge!

There may have been some additional points I'm ignoring, like the fact that I went running a lot and played racquetball with Colette and took dance classes. But those are negligible details.

Something I do almost every night:

2010-09-21T11:45:00.001-06:00

Knock over my cup of water

(which I keep on my bedside table)

(which is made of crates)

(in which I store Seth's T-shirts).

I'm not sure I'm getting through to them.

2010-09-19T18:17:00.003-06:00

I teach the 3-to-4-year-olds at church, and today the lesson was "I can be kind to animals." I taught them many great and marvelous things concerning why we should be kind and what being kind means. There was a story about a kid who decided not to shoot birds with his slingshot because he remembered that God loves all the animals. It was all very meaningful.

Then we went outside to see if we could see any animals. They were scarce in the landscaping around the church today, but we did see an ant. I was like, "Yeah! An animal!" And then one of my students ran up and stomped it to death. On purpose.

Dang it.

aw crap

2010-09-14T14:17:00.005-06:00

I just realized I'm wearing purple and green today. Do you know who else wears purple and green (every day)?

BARNEY.

And I'm not even hanging out with my brother Matthew, who LOVES Barney and so would appreciate it.

checkmeouti'mthebest

2010-09-02T15:17:00.000-06:00

I just found an entry with this title saved in my blog drafts. It has no text! I'm so disappointed. I want to know why I'm the best.

oh, the agony!

2010-09-02T14:51:00.004-06:00

I am SO GLAD my job is not Radio Talk Show Host! Because almost every day, your theme music comes on (signalling a commercial/station identification break) and your guest or caller is STILL TALKING! And you have about 10 seconds where it's still okay for them to be talking, but then time runs out!

So you just sit on the edge of your seat, wondering if they're going to wrap up by themselves or if you're going to have to cut them off in the middle of a sentence! And you're thinking, Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease wrap up! And your breath gets a little shallower! And your palms are sweating! And little panicky noises start to escape your lips!

Don't worry, Hosts. I'm right there with you, feeling your pain as I'm listening.

And then everything works out okay in the end.

Maybe the professionals have better coping mechanisms than I do.

Grigg

2010-08-25T11:22:00.004-06:00

I remember the day I put Seth's phone number into my cell phone. I'd known him for several months, but it suddenly struck me that I didn't know if his last name was Grigg or Griggs. So I casually said, "Hey, how do you spell your last name?" He said, "It's G-r-i-g-g. No 's.'"

He didn't act annoyed or anything, but I kicked myself anyway. I've always regretted letting the possibility enter my mind that his last name was Griggs. At that moment, I was just one of the many making the same mistake. Not who you want to be when you have a little crush on someone.

Soon thereafter I decided that since his last name was Grigg, he'd definitely have to name a kid Greg. Greg Grigg. It's magical. Why would anyone not choose that name? I suggested that to him, and he said no. Then a little later, I suggested it again, and he said no again. Then I decided I'd have to marry him so I could force that one down his throat.

Well, now we're having a little boy (which I haven't mentioned here before, so if it's news to you, ta-dah!), and guess what I'm not going to name him: Greg. Not a chance. Greg Grigg is a stupid name. But maybe Schmeg.

How To Annoy Seth

2010-07-30T13:05:00.000-06:00

1. Eat crackers in bed (already discussed).

2. Try the same joke over and over for years on end (also already discussed).

3. Try to share his pillow.

4. Call him nicknames (for example...) that have nothing to do with his actual name.

5. Call him nicknames that have something to do with his actual name but that he hates (example: BETH).

6. Get really bored in the car and decide to scat (and really put your heart into it), even though you don't know how.

7. Put your lips on his lips and try to carry on a conversation. (Though he has developed a defense for this one: He blows out as hard as he can into your mouth, which is annoying. But do your best to keep it up!)
8. Hold a ceramic frog in his face while he's trying to type up notes from a meeting.
9. Pretend to forget to turn off the bedside lamp when going to sleep until he asks at least twice. Every night (See #2).

10. Hide things (like wooden blocks or pants) inside his pillowcase.

11. Distort passages from the scriptures for your own purposes. (For example: "Seth. If you love me, KEEP MY COMMANDMENTS!!")

I have been working hard to become The Authority on this topic, but my research is still incomplete. I will keep you updated on my discoveries as more time goes by.

Stupid

2010-07-22T13:02:00.003-06:00

You know what is a stupid bug? A pincher bug. (Both Seth and my friend Shannon say a pincher bug is actually called an earwig, but 1-Obviously they didn't attend the Woodland School of Entomology, and 2-That is disgusting.)

They hide in my oscillating sprinkler (which is OBVIOUSLY not made of nature) at night, and then the next morning when I bring the sprinkler in to rinse off the filter, they die an ugly death in my garbage disposal.

Stupid!

Fart

2010-07-09T13:00:00.002-06:00

I am reading a book. It's a fantasy book. Please do not tell anyone who may have thought I was cool.

There is a character in it named Fatren. The first time I read the name, I thought it said Fart-en for a moment, and I snickered a little then reread it and got it right. Then the second and third and fourth and fifth times I read it, I thought it said Farten again. I kept snickering. Finally I gave into the impulse and just mentally changed his name to Farten. Now I don't bother correcting myself. It was inevitable, I guess.

The guy named Fart reminds me of the best joke my dad ever told (he even made it up himself). Okay, it wasn't very funny, so don't get your hopes up. At all. We used to ride Bay Area Rapid Transit (San Francisco's light rail system, also known as BART) all the time. Once when we were riding it, he said, "You know, Fresno has a BART system, too. They call it Fresno Area Rapid Transit." We didn't care until someone was bright enough to figure out that what the acronym would be. Then I remembered the moment with fondness for the rest of my life. Heh, heh.

See, my family thinks farts are hilarious. Exhibit A:

Matt and Josh Woodland, having the time of their lives in 2003.

See how hard they are laughing? That's how hard we were all laughing. This is in Sweden, where INFART means entrance and UTFART means exit. I'm not sure what FART by itself means, but I'm sure the Swedes all spend their days laughing their butts off, just like the Woodlands did when we were visiting.

A message to my devoted readers in Asia:

2010-07-08T10:31:00.002-06:00

Chinese (traditional):

謝謝你的來訪。請再來。我愛你。

Japanese:

訪問していただきありがとうございます。またどうぞお越しください。私はあなたが大好きです。

Korean:

방문해 주셔서 감사합니다. 제발 다시 한번. 당신을 사랑합니다.

English:

Thank you for visiting. Please come again. I love you.

I have been noticing a spurt of commenters on my blog who use Asian characters. Some friends have gently informed me that they are spam, but I prefer not to accept that possibility and just assume they are saying things like: "Dani, your blog is the best" and "Dani, I hear what you're saying, and I like it" and "Dani, if I die, would you please raise my children?"

I could turn on comment spam filtering to make sure, but HEY--we are all welcome here.

Oh, children.

2010-06-20T19:42:00.002-06:00

I would like to report an episode I witnessed today:

Teacher: What are some things that we might be tempted to do that we shouldn't do?

Child #1: Push someone.

Teacher: Yes, good.

Child #2: Kick someone.

Teacher: Okay.... yes.

Child #3: Punch someone.

Teacher: How about some things that aren't like hitting someone?

Child #4: Pick up a chair and throw it at someone.

Obviously these kids have been taught well on the violence front.

Sometimes

2010-06-04T18:03:00.001-06:00

Sometimes when I'm cooking I get frustrated and think, "Man, I wish there was more light in this kitchen!" And then I remember: That's what that light switch right there is for.

Crumbs

2010-05-07T10:12:00.003-06:00

I've started eating crackers in bed. It makes Seth so mad.

Once he woke up at 4 in the morning and looked over to find me nibbling on a cracker. He didn't even bother to say a word to me. He just covered his head with a pillow.

Other times he says things, like "Dani, I can't believe you." Sometimes he just sighs and shakes his head.

But since I'm incredibly hilarious, the other night we had been lying in the dark for a while, trying to go to sleep, when I decided it was cracker time. I quietly felt for one at the side of my bed, then took a small bite. Before Seth had a chance to say anything, I said, "Hey, Seth, want a crack--"

"NO!!!" he roared.

This is going to have to be one of those shticks between us. You know, the ones that make me laugh so hard but that he just thinks are annoying? Yeah, those. I love those.

Would you rather...

2010-04-22T15:53:00.002-06:00

Here's a problem if you're a goose: You don't have arms.

Here's a problem if you're a human: You don't have wings.

Best Talk of the Nation moment ever.

2010-04-22T14:22:00.002-06:00

Neal Conan: Now let's go to another caller--BURP! Oh, excuse me! David, welcome to Talk of the Nation.
David: Hi Neal, how's it going?
Neal Conan: VERY well.

Don't give me a job in HR

2010-04-20T16:28:00.003-06:00

My boss wanted all the writers to pop in and say hello to the prospective new writers he's interviewing so we can tell him what we think.

So I popped in on the first one, my boss left, and I sat down, leaned forward, and said: "So. How old are you?"

When is this an appropriate question? I can think of a few times:

1. When you're setting up medical records,
2. When the respondent is a small child, or
3. When determining if someone is old enough to buy a controlled substance or rent a car or get married.

There are probably a few more situations, but is anything resembling a job interview one of them? NO. No, no, no.

She promised not to sue, so I think I dodged that one. Phew!

Also not an appropriate question: How much do you weigh?

But I, being the tactful person that I am, did not ask that one. I know, I am the soul of discretion.

Mrs. Hunter

2010-04-09T14:31:00.002-06:00

My sophomore year of high school, I had the opportunity to be in the class of a woman widely recognized as the scariest teacher in the world. She was scary not just because of her shirts, which were packed with decorative wrinkles, but because she was mean! She went out of her way to make you feel stupid.

She gave "extra credit" for bringing in a roll of paper towels--but it had to be her favorite brand, or else you got docked. (I say "extra credit" in quotes because the whole class was based on a curve, so when everyone in the class brought in a roll of paper towels but you didn't, the curve stepped up 25 points and left you behind with a worse grade. MEAN!) Once I had the audacity to bring in the wrong brand. My grade felt the pain.

One day she was handing out worksheets (or something), and my eyes fixated on her hands. She was wearing the ugliest ring ever. It was jade, a precious stone I did not appreciate in my youth, and huge. I hate that ring, I thought.

But then I remembered how she was the scariest teacher in the world, and decided I should be brave and talk to her instead of cowering.

So when she got to my row, I piped up.

"I like your ring," I said meekly.

She didn't look at me.

"Thanks," she said. AND SHE SMIRKED! Do you know why she smirked? Because she could read my mind! She knew why I was talking to her and what I really thought about her ring!

Scary, right?

But then there was this other time when she was nice to me. My eye was infected and I came in to hand something in before going to the doctor, and she got me some ice and told me to take care of myself. So she must have forgiven me for the ring incident.

Wait a second

2010-03-31T18:26:00.001-06:00

How come there's no contraction for "am not"?

is + not = isn't

are + not = aren't

am + not = am not

I amn't going to stand for this.

Why do I do the things that I do?

2010-03-11T15:16:00.002-07:00

Scene One:

See that grown woman? Walking down the street with her heels and her gigantic Liz Clairborne purse? Pulling off strips of cheese from her cheese stick and gulping them down? Reminding you of the foods you used to eat when you were in kindergarten?

That's me. Feeling stupid.

Scene Two:

I select from the office refrigerator a cup of sugar-free pudding that I placed there earlier this week. Then I select a (non-eco-friendly) plastic spoon from the plastic spoon box. On my journey back to my desk, I peel off the foil top to the pudding cup, and as I pass through the dim conference room, I proceed to lick away. Then I freeze mid-lick as I realize that there are two other people--who likely never eat pudding cups let alone lick the foil tops--entering the dim conference room from the other side, watching me lick.

How do I feel? Even stupider.

I think it's time for a nap. And then recess.

I just finished my 3 o'clock snack

2010-03-03T16:06:00.002-07:00

... so now it's time for my 4 o'clock snack.

Why am I hungry all the time??

(And no, I'm not eating for two.)

Some math for you

2010-02-26T20:39:00.002-07:00

ugly day

plus

fashionable scarf

equals

severe hotness.

Notice that in this equation, you also gain fuller hair and cool sunglasses.

A good one

2010-02-20T17:10:00.003-07:00

Seth made up (yet another) song about me (as he is prone to do). It goes like this:

Don donny donny donny donny-don!
Don donny donny donny donny-don.

I took the liberty of adding a few more lines. They are:

Don donny donny donny donny-don!
Don donny donny donny donny-don.
Don donny donny donny donny-don!
Don donny donny donny donny-don.

And it keeps going until Seth tells me to stop. It has a little dance that goes along with it.

Do you like it?

This is what happens in my nightmares

2010-02-18T10:41:00.002-07:00

A coworker tells me something over the phone, then forgets to hang up. I hear him telling another coworker, "Dani isn't a chicken and shrimp kind of person. She's more of a chicken and meatballs kind of person, or a chicken and hamburger kind of person."

I am hurt and offended.

Fake shorthand

2010-02-02T15:40:00.003-07:00

I am getting sick of trying to read my wannabe shorthand. (Wannabe because instead of looking like this:

,

it is just regular writing with lots of letters and words left out.)

FOR EXAMPLE. My notebook says this:

"enc inv to ch strat, lk FTHB act qual to purch hm, cn aff it"

This one I successfully deciphered. It means:

"It encourages investors to change their strategy and look for first-time homebuyers who are actually qualified to purchase a home, and can afford it."

But this one? I'm stumped:

"crt income now that's prst, not mny, hap of bg boss, ctrl over lifestyle"

"PRST"???? What the heck is "prst"???

I'm definitely not quoting him on that one.

This is why I hate not having walls

2010-01-25T15:24:00.004-07:00

I work in a newsroom.

Newsrooms are supposed to be buzzing centers of activity, with people shouting out leads and such, working together to get the best sources and info possible. So our desks are set up in a clump with 3/4-height mesh walls separating us. When it's quiet (which is more common than you'd think), we can all hear each others' conversations, clear as a bell.

It's so awkward.

Example:

Guy on the phone: Hi, this is Joe?
Me: Hi Joe, this is Dani--
Joe: I'm unavailable at the moment, please leave a message--
Me: Oh, whoops.
The collective newsroom: (Silently.) What an idiot.

Another example:

Answering machine: Please leave your message at the tone.
Me: Hi, Pam, this is Dani Grigg calling. I'm a reporter at the IBR and I am working on an article--
Answering machine: Your message has been recorded. To re-record, press 2.
Me: BLAAAHH! Stupid phone! (I press 2.) (In an obnoxiously loud voice so the answering machine doesn't cut me off again:) Hi, Pam, this is Dani Grigg calling. I'm a reporter.... yadda yadda yadda.
The collective newsroom: (Silently.) What an idiot.

And another example:

Me: (Insert idiotic question that shows limited to no understanding of the issue at hand and a sad inability to use basic English here.)
The collective newsroom: (Silently.) What an idiot.

See what I'm saying? Endless awkward possibilities.

It wasn't even funny the first time

2010-01-22T14:45:00.003-07:00

Sometimes when I'm restless and I'm sitting next to Seth (like at church or in the car or at the movies), I remove my wedding ring and place it in Seth's hand, saying, "I have no use for this." And then I refuse to take it back.

He used to pretend to be hurt, but I've done it so many times that now he just says, "Stop it, Dani," and puts it on my lap.

Then I have to put it back on my ring finger so I don't lose it.

Con quienes podemos comer

2010-01-19T20:19:00.004-07:00

Once I decided I would never be fluent in Spanish unless I moved to a foreign country. So what did I do? I moved to the Spanish House. NOT a foreign country. I'm STILL not fluent. But it helped and it was fun.

This was in college, and they had houses where you could only speak certain languages. Actually, apartments. And there was one native speaker in each apartment. You had dinner together and activities together, giving you all the opportunity you could ask for to practice the language. Church was even in Spanish.

One night at dinner, I volunteered to give a blessing on the food. I was nervous--the audience was big. It all went fine until I said (in Spanish), "We are thankful for the food, and that we have friends we can eat..." WITH! When I got to the end of the sentence, I realized that it was too late for the "with!" I had forgotten to phrase the sentence the ONLY way it works in Spanish, which is "with whom we can eat!" You can get away with saying the "with" at the end in English, but NOT in Spanish. HORROR.

But at that point, there was nothing I could do. So I just had to leave my cannibalistic declaration and move on.

When I was finished, a girl down the table (who I later came to think of as my arch nemesis)/ (of whom I later came to think as my arch nemesis)/ (of whom as my arch nemesis I later came to think) said quietly to her friends, "Did you hear that she said 'friends we can eat'?"

I never volunteered to pray at the Spanish House again.

This is a problem.

2010-01-14T12:45:00.003-07:00

I can never remember if I live on a Way or a Lane. (They kind of sound alike, right?) So when someone asks me my address, I say "45 Spaceship..."* and trail off awkwardly.

Usually it's okay, but then sometimes the person says, "Is that a Street? or a Lane? or what?"

And I say, ".... umm... a... Lane." And I hope I'm right, because there's NO WAY I'm telling them I don't know.

UPDATE: I looked it up on google maps, and I live on a Lane. I should make up a song to remember that. Please tell me if you know any songs about living on a Lane, not a Way.

---

*Not my real address. Just an example. But wouldn't it be cool if I lived on a street called Spaceship Way or Spaceship Lane?

Football

2010-01-08T14:35:00.004-07:00

If you know me, you know I am a football expert. (Sike.) (Psych.) (Not even close.)

But I do have one thing to say about the sport. Actually, all sports.

The worst part of any game shown on TV is when they interview the coach or the players. Here are some examples of what you might hear if you make the mistake of listening to one of these interviews:

Interviewer: Mr. Quarterback, what was going through your head when you scored that game-winning touchdown?
Quarterback: I was thinking, I just need to score this touchdown. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Interviewer: Mr. Receiver, what does it mean to you to have won this game?
Receiver: It means a lot. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Interviewer: Coach, how does it feel to take home the national championship?
Coach: It feels good. Blah, Blah, credit to the other team, Blah.

If I were one of those interviewers, I would feel embarrassed to be asking the same questions over and over again (though I know it's unavoidable). And I would be bored of hearing the same answers over and over again. Do they ever say anything you wouldn't have predicted them saying? No!

So every time one of these interviews comes on, I become obnoxious and start aiming incredulous exclamations at the TV, along with pleas for everyone to stop talking about things that aren't interesting.

I don't think I'm getting anywhere with these requests.

Scaring people

2009-12-30T11:29:00.004-07:00

My brother and I liked to play this game in high school. It was called Wait Quietly Outside the Bathroom Door So When Your Sibling Comes Out You Can Yell "RAAARRRR" To Scare Them When They're Least Expecting It.

I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. Usually we would also make a scary face and Attack Hands to go along with the "RAAARRRR." As you can imagine, it was a riot. Good times were had by all.

One day we took the scares to the next level. David and I made a man out of newspaper, and when we were done admiring him, we stuck him in the shower:

We succeeded in scaring the pants off not only our little brother Matt, but also ourselves. We constantly forgot he was there.

These are the good kinds of scares.

The bad kind is when you agree to meet your visiting teacher, who is in her 50's, outside her apartment late at night so she can let you borrow her key to the community hot tub because you lost your own, but then you get there early and hover outside the door, which is cracked open, and you can hear her rustling in the coat closet for her coat, and then you timidly tap on the door just as she is opening it and she throws her hands up in the air and screams at the top of her lungs. And she is wearing her nightgown.

No good.

Hamburger Helper

2009-12-23T09:44:00.002-07:00

Last night I made Hamburger Helper for dinner. (Don't worry, we also had broccoli.)

Here is an answer I would like to demand of my mom: Why did we never have Hamburger Helper for dinner when I was a child?

It is delicious. It is a close-to-perfect combination of fat, non-complex carbs, and preservatives.

I guess we were too busy eating things like salad and vegetables and casserole and other non-boxed foods.

Another thing I missed out on as a child: sugar cereal, except when we were camping.

Well, Mother? What do you have to say for yourself?

Seth's Do Re Mi's

2009-12-12T10:48:00.001-07:00

Do Re Me Fa So La Ti Dah!

As you can see, he grew up with more of a Chris Farley influence than a Sound of Music influence.

The rest of my life

2009-12-07T17:01:00.003-07:00

Here's the plan. I just finalized it today:

Write a bestselling novel (preferably by mid-2010). Earn $5 million or more on it. This should be enough (including interest earnings) to afford Seth and the children and me a comfortable lifestyle for the next 70 years. Retire the second that 5 millionth dollar lands in my hands. Make Seth retire also. Sleep in every day. Stay up late at night. Have lots of friends. Go to the beach sometimes. Bake things.

Sounds great, right?

The only problem is I don't actually know what my novel would be about. But never fear, I've been brainstorming. Seth helped:

-vampires
-wizards
-crying in the shower
-Christmas (with some sort of touching element, like perhaps a crotchety old man who gives up his airplane ticket so a young soldier can fly home to see his family, possibly for his last Christmas ever)
-slave ship
-death

Okay, it's not a very good list. Please help.

wow

2009-12-04T16:44:00.002-07:00

I just realized that four out of my last five posts were me making fun of myself for doing something embarrassing or stupid. You may think I hate myself. I don't.

And sometimes I do have cool or graceful moments. For example, last week at my parents' house for Thanksgiving, I told a joke that made everyone laugh. (Shut up, Cinderblock! anyone?) And there was this one time in college that me and my roommates and our Family Home Evening brothers did a lip synch to Neil Diamond's Coming to America and won the lip synch contest by a landslide (it may have had something to do with Mike Jensen ripping off his warm-up pants to reveal American flag pajama pants underneath as the grand finale. Also, we had this dance move where we pulsed). And there was this other time when someone told me I was the best.

So. You know. I'm cool.

Hunting with Hemingway

2009-12-04T15:35:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I talked with a rich lady, probably in her 80s, who told me she used to go hunting with Ernest Hemingway.

And what did brilliant Dani ask?

"Did you catch anything?"

CATCH anything? You don't CATCH things when you go hunting. You SHOOT them. You KILL them. That is not the same thing as catching. Catching is what you do when you go fishing.

I think.

Anyway, her answer was yes.

Also, after I asked her what her favorite restaurant in Sun Valley was, she asked me what my favorite restaurant in Boise was. I told her there were a couple Indian food places that I like.

Her response: "Oh. Well I wouldn't like that."

what an idiot.

2009-12-03T14:02:00.001-07:00

(Me.)

There was this one summer during college that I was in a writing group. Everyone wrote stories and then we all told each other what we thought of them. It was spectacular, or, as they say in Italy, spettacolare.

One week, when it was my turn to contribute the writing sample, I emailed out two VERY short stories. I didn't want my group members to read them thinking they were part of a larger piece of fiction, so I made it very clear. I said:

Though you may not think so instinctively, they are complete in themselves. i repeat: there is NO further story to either of these documents. so read them with that in mind.

So crystal clear, right?

Right.

So I show up at Taylor's apartment the next night, and we settle in to discuss the second story. Everyone kind of hesitates to speak. Then someone says,

"I thought it was.... interesting... that you chose to end this story in the middle of a sentence."

Um.

Huh?

I ask to see the copy of the story that someone had printed out. I look at the bottom of the page.

The last sentence says:

"She felt life pouring in through her skin, and she opened her eyes to see"

The end. All modern-like.

It wasn't even halfway through the story that I'd written. The "end" came before anything had actually happened.

And nobody had dared question where the rest of the story was because stinkin Dani had made a big fuss about how there WAS no rest of the story.

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Fashion alert

2009-11-17T10:43:00.001-07:00

My pants are sticking to my wool socks and I LOOK TOTALLY STUPID.

What I did while I waited for the bus this morning

2009-11-09T10:32:00.002-07:00

I made up a song (more like a rap) whose lyrics were:

2-11-50. 0 0 647. 1. 5. 1. 8.

I'll rap it for you sometime, if you ask. And I'll also rap it in my head, while tapping my foot, the next time the public library's website asks me for my library card number. Cuz that's what it is.

There was this one time...

2009-11-06T15:42:00.004-07:00

...when my neighbor and I planned to put on a show centered around Mariah Carey's Daydream album.

The plan was: we'd play the CD. One of us would pretend to hold a microphone and sing along. The other would dance her little heart out, using the stairs liberally as a prop.

We'd do this for each of the 12 songs on the album.

Our parents would watch each number with delight. The best-spent hour of their lives.

But then I realized that there were some flaws in our plan:

1. Our dancing wasn't that good.
2. Neither was our singing.
3. Nobody would be interested in our ill-rehearsed show.

So I called it off.

My neighbor's name was Michelle Farmer, but we secretly called her Michelle Fahma because her parents were from England and that was how they said their last name. After my dad met Mr. Farmer, he reported this conversation to us:

Mr. Farmer: "I'm ____ Fahma." [I don't remember his first name. I was 9ish.]
My dad: "Fahma?"
Mr. Farmer: "No, FAHMA."
My dad: "Fahma?"

I wish there were a punctuation mark between "!" and "."

2009-11-02T15:12:00.007-07:00

Maybe it would look a little something like this:

.

Then when someone sends me an email that says "I'll see what I can do" in response to a no-big-deal request, I could reply without seeming overly excited or overly ungrateful.

I could be like, "Thank you " instead of "Thank you!" or "Thank you."

You see how much better that is?

Tea

2009-10-21T15:39:00.002-06:00

I'm drinking tea with Splenda.

I'm not sure why. It's not very good (tea in general, not just tea with Splenda).

I think I was hoping for some insta-happiness, like this lady is obviously experiencing:

It did not happen. I feel about the same as I did before, but this time with tea in my belly.

SHOCKING INFORMATION

2009-10-20T15:46:00.003-06:00

I LEARNED TODAY THAT TV REPORTERS MAKE EVEN LESS THAN PRINT REPORTERS STARTING OUT! HERE IN IDAHO, STARTING SALARY FOR A LOCAL TV REPORTER IS $17,000! $17,000!!! THIS IS PER YEAR! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

I THOUGHT THIS ENTRY WAS WORTH ALL CAPS. I HOPE YOU AGREE.

so much for last-minute cramming

2009-10-19T09:25:00.008-06:00

Yesterday I spent an hour listening to this song in preparation for a high-stakes game of Trivial Pursuit. Then I also listened to this one for good measure. (In case you don't want to click on the links, the first is a BYU professor singing all the U.S. presidents' last names to the tune of Yankee Doodle a capella, and the second is a professional choir and orchestra commissioned by the White House singing about each president and one noteworthy fact about each.)

Here are the questions I was prepared to answer:

-who was the largest U.S. president?
-how were the two Roosevelts related?
-who came after Lincoln?
-who are the 10 most recent U.S. presidents, in order?
-who served two terms separated by another president?
-who is Dani's favorite president?
-whose grandfather also served as president?

and a multitude of other questions.

Guess how many times this new knowledge came in handy.

The correct answer is NONE. NOT EVEN ONCE.

If only one of these songs had contained the ever-so-important information that Monica Lewinsky once called Domino's from the White House to complain that her meat lovers pizza wasn't meaty enough. THEN I would have been SET.

For next time: Is there a song to memorize that covers everything that ever happened in sports?

Might as well be No. 1

2009-10-13T21:56:00.002-06:00

Seth made a goal this week to never get angry.

But tonight, we were playing Yahtzee, and I made fun of the PASSIONATE way he shook the dice and he acted like he didn't love me. MEAN.

I also have a goal this week, and today I met that goal. So I did something extremely hilarious: I went to the whiteboard and wrote Dani: 1, Seth: -62 (on account of the Yahtzee anger incident).

SO FUNNY, right?

I know.

I suspected I might be the funniest wife in the world, so I asked Seth if that was true. He said.... No.

BUT, here's the good news. Seth declared me.... MAYBE IN THE TOP 25,000!!

That is SUCH a good score. There are so many wives around! Waaaaaaayy more than 25,000. I'm going to sleep well tonight.

Here is a notice displayed near the nutrition facts on my gigantic jar of almonds:

2009-10-09T08:47:00.001-06:00

CONTAINS ALMOND.

Names have been changed to protect The Guilty (but The Guilty is still a valuable person)

2009-10-06T08:42:00.003-06:00

This is a story about a person I've known for a long time. Let's call her... Tatu.

Several years ago, we were visiting our local Target. We spent an hour or two exploring the many wonders that Target has to offer, then made our purchases and left.

In the parking lot, Tatu abruptly stopped walking. She stared down at her feet.

"Oh my gosh!" she said.

I followed her gaze. Her flip flops were on the wrong feet.

Note: These are not Tatu's actual feet. This is just an illustration.

She'd just spent an hour or two walking around in public without noticing the extreme awkwardness inherent in oppositely placed footwear.

Another note: Tatu is a grown up.

After we got over a moment of paralysis, we laughed uproariously.

Fast forward to present day.

This weekend, Tatu came to visit me. She drove in on Wednesday after a five-hour car trip from a place we'll call Dend, Poregon. She arrived wearing a jogging/traveling suit that had black pants and a navy jacket.

On Saturday evening, as she was preparing to take off for Dend again, she put on the same jogging/traveling suit.

In the parking lot, Tatu abruptly stopped walking. She stared down at her jogging/traveling suit.

"Oh my gosh!" she said.

I followed her gaze.

I didn't notice anything unusual.

"What?" I said.

"My pants and jacket are different colors!"

"Yes, they are. So?"

"Did I accidentally steal your jacket?"

"No, it's yours. It's the same one you came in, I think."

"What??? I thought I was matching!"

We laugh.

"Dani, can you believe that I was wearing this all that time and I didn't notice that my pants and jacket were two different colors?"

I think back to the flip flops and many other instances of similar behavior.

Yes, Tatu. Yes, I can.

stay away

2009-09-23T09:08:00.002-06:00

In case you were thinking of becoming a fan of ABC's new show The Forgotten, I have some advice: Don't.

I watched it last night. And in addition to being completely ridiculous throughout (I could go on and on about the ridiculous elements but I won't), here is how it ended:

The team of volunteers who discovered the Jane Doe's identity (by thinking, HEY, maybe that strange tattoo she has is a pitchfork from a BLUE DEVIL, which could be her high school mascot! because people get tattoos of their high school mascots all the time. especially goth girls.) walk solemnly, in flying V formation, out of the cemetery after being tearfully thanked by Jane's mother.

Voice over from the dead girl:

"My name is Tracy Braxley, and these are the people who gave it back to me."

Pan out. Surge of inspirational music.

I see you're convinced. Excellent.

Oh, that giant bruise on my leg?

2009-09-20T12:52:00.002-06:00

That's just from the time last week I was playing racquetball and I went to hit the ball but instead smashed myself in the shin with my racket.

finding closure

2009-09-18T12:22:00.003-06:00

I just wanted you all to know that I just finished writing a profile for some nurses, and the last word in the story is "closure."

I think people will get to that last word at the very end and say, "Wow. Thank you, Dani. I feel closed after reading this story."

That's my goal.

This is what I want the most:

2009-09-10T19:36:00.001-06:00

A really big night shirt. Maybe with a picture of a wolf on it.

an awkward conversation (not mine, for once!)

2009-09-08T14:31:00.003-06:00

Coworker 1: Do you happen to have contact info for [some guy]?
Coworker 2: No, I haven't talked to him. Why?
Coworker 1: What's that?
Coworker 2: What's that?
Coworker 1: Ummm.... so you don't have it?
Coworker 2: No.

An experiment that blew up in my face

2009-09-08T09:58:00.002-06:00

Animals often have adjectives (like Snowy) for names, and sometimes nouns (like Spot), BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ADVERBS? and also the verbs. but adverbs are a little bit more fun.

This is something that's been bothering me for a little while, so when I got two new fish yesterday, I was ready to take the plunge and go for an adverb. (But only for one of them.)

(The pink one will be named Caitlyn T., after the legendary little girl my brother Matt had a crush on in kindergarten. That was the last time he ever mentioned girls. Quick learner.)

So at bedtime last night Seth and I were lying there, suggesting adverbs (Absolutely! Financially! Imaginatively! Pretentiously! Enthusiastically! Desperately!). After 5 or so minutes of this, Seth said, "How-bout-you-be-quiet-so-I-can-fall-asleep-ly!"

I decided to teach him the "Here's how awful and boring it is when your wife isn't entertaining you with stimulating conversation before bed" lesson. I shut my mouth, vowing to keep it closed until Seth realized what a big mistake he had made and came crawling back, begging me to talk.

I waited.

And waited.

He didn't even notice! He just fell asleep!

WHAT ON EARTH?

Watch out. This is deep.

2009-09-02T14:20:00.003-06:00

When I was little, I read a few books from a series about a group of gymnasts. Kind of like Babysitters Club, minus babysitting, plus gymnastics.

There was this one part, when they were all just starting out in gymnastics, when everyone put chalk on their hands and jumped as high as they could and put a hand print on the wall. there was this one girl, the central character for that book, who couldn't jump as high as everyone else. She was, understandably, bummed about this.

BUT THEN, her coach pointed out that even though her handprint was not as high as everyone else's, it was the darkest one! because she hit the wall with the most power!

Then she felt good on the inside.

Short people, take note.

(But whatever. I can jump higher than you can. If you're short.)

A thing from Minneapolis

2009-08-30T22:07:00.002-06:00

Introducing The New Sustainable Dani

2009-08-25T11:19:00.002-06:00

I put my sandwiches and grapes in tupperware instead of plastic baggies, and I tell Seth we will not be buying an SUV anytime soon.

So? What do you think?

Her name was Brabera

2009-08-23T21:51:00.001-06:00

I can't stop watching this video. Over. and over. and over again.

How awkward can you get?

2009-08-23T18:16:00.002-06:00

I look across the waiting room at the temple, and who should I spot leaving the room but my old friend Fashionable Jim.

It's been forever since I last saw him.

I say, "Jim. Jim!" in a loud whisper (he always had exceptional hearing).

He looks over and gives me this look that says "OH MY GOSH. YOU?? HERE?? WHAT A DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE!" (we're in a state where neither of us was living the last time we saw each other.)

I start to walk toward him, with Seth whispering, "who is that??" behind me.

I proceed one and a half steps before I realize that there is a guy in front of me, also walking briskly toward Fashionable Jim. I freeze.

They greet each other with a warm embrace, clearly having the same conversation I would have been having with Fashionable Jim had I been the dear old friend he'd spotted in an unexpected setting.

I hang my head in shame and fall back into my place beside the window. Then I don't say hi to Fashionable Jim after all.

Overheard loud and clear through a wall at the thrift store

2009-08-18T11:56:00.004-06:00

Child, practically crying: "Mommmm, when you tell me that if I don't wear sunscreen I'm going to get skin cancer and die, don't you think that's a little harsh?? That scares me!"

Mother: "Well, it doesn't seem like it scares you, because you never wear it."

Did I buy anything at the thrift store, you ask? Yes, I did. Trivial Pursuit, 20th anniversary edition. I have yet to discover if it has all the pieces and if I know the answers to any of the questions.

A quiz

2009-08-13T14:20:00.007-06:00

What does this say?

Dear David and Liberty,

2009-08-11T20:53:00.000-06:00

I regret ruining your wedding reception.

Love always,
Dani

Okay, fine.

2009-08-11T20:30:00.008-06:00

You want to know how my brother's wedding reception went?

I will tell you.

Here is how the crowd looked BEFORE I sent the gigantic decorative swing set behind the reception line toppling to the ground with an earth-shattering crash:

And here is how the crowd looked AFTER I sent the gigantic decorative swing set behind the reception line toppling to the ground with an earth-shattering crash:

Apparently it was not made for swinging on.

Do I need to describe my feelings on the incident? I think not. But just in case, here's a picture:

Thank goodness it fell backward and didn't squish any old ladies or babies.

And thank goodness it was made of durable materials and didn't shatter.

It took at least an hour before I was willing to get up from my hiding spot and slink over to the refreshment table. But all the good miniature pastries were gone by then.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

2009-08-09T20:41:00.001-06:00

The other day, a fly died in my arms.

Okay, a fly died ON my arm.

After I smacked it, President-Obama-style.

I'm not famous.

2009-08-03T14:52:00.002-06:00

When you search for "Paltrow," you get pages and pages of Gwyneth.

When you search for "Bieter," you get at least a few entries up top about Dave (Boise's mayor).

When you search for "Claus," it's all about Santa.

When you search for "Grigg," Dani is nowhere to be found.

Well. Maybe someday.