A Translation

Winner take all = Let's play until I finally win a round and then call it good for the night.

A Regret

I was in the first grade, and we were working on math. The teacher said those who had finished their worksheets early could go and help the kids who hadn't finished yet. So I stood up and walked over to a kid who had his hand raised for help. Kristopher. With a K.

The help went like this:

Problem: 6+7=?

Me: "Six plus four is?"

Kristopher: "Ten."

Me: "Plus three is?"

Kristopher: "Thirteen!"

Problem: 8+6=?

Me: "Eight plus two is?"

Kristopher: "Ten."

Me: "Plus four is?"

Kristopher: "Fourteen!"

Etc.

Good stuff, right?

Days later, same situation. I again approached Kristopher with a K, whose hand was raised for help.

The difference? I was in a bad mood! Everything was annoying me! There was the self-righteous thought floating around in my brain that I shouldn't be doing all the work for him.

So the help went like this:

Problem: 6+7=?

Me: "Six plus seven is?"

Kristopher: (Pause.)

Kristopher: "I want you to do it that way you did before, when you broke it up."

Me: "NO!!"

Me: "Six plus seven is?"

Kristopher: (Pause.) (Fingers consulted.) (Dejectedly:) "Thirteen."

Etc.

It didn't take many minutes after we were done for me to realize that this kind of help was no help at all. Sadly, that was the last time our teacher had the faster students help the slower students with math.

I am sure Kristopher is out there somewhere, trying to calculate his portion of a restaurant bill or estimate the number of friends he has or whatever, numbers swirling all around him, fingers being consulted, confusion reigning. I've always wished I could go back and explain how the math worked in my head so he could maybe make it work that way in his head.

But alas. I missed my chance to change his life through the joy of mathematics.

A weird thing Seth does

When he's channel surfing, he gives every channel a chance. Like, even 6-3, The Cool TV, which is second-string music videos from the last three or so decades. And 9-2, the CW's back-up channel. For the shows not quite good enough to run on the real CW. And all four channels of public television. ALL FOUR. ALL FOUR!

Also, when his back itches, he arranges his back against the door frame and shimmies like a bear.

Also, today he accidentally put on two pairs of underwear.

Jonah

Some consequences of my son being born at Christmas time:

1. Some of the presents that said "to Dani" on them were fakes. They were actually to Jonah (which is okay, since his stuff is my stuff).
2. My brother David makes all kinds of blasphemous comments. For example, during the church Christmas program: "Dani! Someday people will be gathered together to sing songs about Jonah!" Nope.
3. Seth sings this song entitled "Jonah the Baby" to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman." I'll spare you most of the details, but the part that normally goes "thumpety thump thump" now involves Seth making farting noises. What a charmer.

Mistakes I have made

1. Buying fat free chicken broth.

2. Buying "lite" maple syrup.

Live and learn.

In the nude

Sometimes I picture my baby in my womb, and those are the times when it really comes home to me that he is completely naked in there.

Voting for one

Today when I showed up at my voting place, a lady saw my enlarged middle and was like, "Voting for two, huh?" I smiled but didn't know what to say except "yes."

Then I went to the next table to collect my ballot, and the guy giving them out was like, "Here are two ballots for you."

I thought, Wow, same joke twice?

I said, "Oh, he's not old enough."

Ballot Man's face said, Who is this crazy lady and what is she talking about?

His mouth said, "What?"

I said, "Um. Never mind." And I blushed.

Turns out you get one ballot for constitutional amendments and one ballot for political offices. Two ballots.

So much for trying to function normally in the world!

Epilogue:

Then I came home and saw I had driven away from my house without bothering to close the garage door. Welcome, thieves and murderers!