This is how my friend from New Zealand pronounces "prayers":

"Prizz."

She also says bum bag instead of fanny pack because fanny means something that is not butt.

Whoops

I accidentally made a disgusting lunch for my picnic meet-up with Seth today.

How come no one ever told me that dill pickles do not belong in egg salad? There was obviously a glaring gap in my culinary education.

I saw something nasty in the woodshed.

And it was:

A dead cat.

It wasn’t actually in the woodshed, but I will like you more[1] if you can tell me where that quote comes from.[2]

The dead cat was:

In the rose bushes in my front yard.

As I’m sure you would have done too, I screamed. The neighbor across the street came barreling over to see if he needed to grab his shot gun. When I told him why I was screaming, his face and voice both turned somber. It quickly went from a moment of pity for Dani to a moment of pity for the cat and its owner. (WHAT?)

He went and got the neighbor whose cat it was (had been), and I took a cue from the first neighbor and expressed sympathy for his loss.

Later I came back to my senses and remembered I’M the one who needs sympathy because I’M the one who stumbled upon a DEAD CAT in the rose bushes.

---

[1] The relative degree to which my liking for you increases depends fully on how much I like you now. If I already like you a lot, then this added knowledge can only be a drop in the sea of my appreciation of you. But if I only barely tolerate you, then you might move up to the level of respectful tolerance, which I’d say is a big jump.

[2] This line, in addition to being from a movie, is what always runs through my head after changing Jonah’s diapers.

Tatu, Tatu, Tatu!

My mom saw this picture of my cousin (whom I visited two days ago) on Facebook today:

She commented: "Jeremy, I'm jealous! You got to hold Jonah!"

In case anyone else was confused, I'd like to clarify: This is not my baby. He is not made of yarn.

How Traveling Is

I'm writing the profile of a lady who worked several jobs to save up for a trip to Israel. When she got there, she lived in a commune and worked in a bakery for a month, then started drifting. She went to Egypt, Jordan, Cyprus, Holland, France, etc., picking up other jobs along the way.

"You know how traveling is," she said. "One thing leads to another."

"No," I said. "Not really."

When I travel, I hope the hotel has a king-size bed and cable and good food. Because, see, I really like to LIVE my life. First-hand! Seizing the bull by the horns! Relishing diversity and all the world has to offer! Who's with me?

Just another episode in the Adventures of Supermom

Jonah had his 4-month check-up the other day, and as I was carrying my naked baby to the scale*, the nurse started laughing and pulled a Snickers wrapper off his back.

At least there wasn't chocolate smeared on his face.

I just remembered that this is the same nurse who pointed out my jacket still had a tag on it a couple months ago. She must be SO IMPRESSED with me as a person. I'll have to think of something to do next time to continue her good impression: Mismatched shoes? Walking into glass doors? Poop on Jonah's face? Poop on MY face?

*The results of the weighing and measuring: Very tall, kinda skinny, SMALL HEAD, skullet.

An interview with Dani Grigg

Q: What name did Seth call you last night?

A: Sheetmaster.

Q: Why did he call you that?

A: Because I can fold fitted sheets like a pro.

Q: How did you learn how to do that?

A: YouTube.

Q: What was the other reason he called you that?

A: He was trying to butter me up so he wouldn't have to fold the sheet himself.

Q: Did it work?

A: Yes.