The shopping question I hate most:

"Did you find everything you were looking for?"

I wish they wouldn't ask that. The answer is too often no, and where does the conversation go after that?

"Did you find everything you were looking for?"
"No, you didn't have queen-sized purple cotton bed sheets."
[or "No, you didn't have black stretch pants for a baby boy."]
[or "No, you didn't have deodorant that smells like cookies."]
[or "No, you didn't have a painting of downtown Boise done in the style of Ernst Ludwig Kirchner."]
[or "No, you didn't have reasonably priced gouda cheese."]
"Oh. Yeah. We don't have that."
"Yep."

Did either of us get anything out of that exchange? I certainly did not. So I usually answer the question like this:

"Yes."

But then I feel a little bit resentful because they put me in a position where I had to lie.

The shopping question I hate least:

"Would it be all right if we gave you all this stuff for free?"

A great day

1. I signed my name as "Dr. Gee" on the receipt at Dr. Gee's office.
2. I accidentally lost said receipt before I could hand it back to the billing lady.
3. I locked my keys, phone, and burp rags in the car and had to wait for the locksmith (after borrowing a smart phone from a stranger) with a barf-covered baby.

Pancakes

When the waiter came to check on us at dinner the other night, he found that I had eaten every single bite of my four gigantic blueberry pancakes as well as my two eggs and two bacons.

He said,

"Oh! You ate it all!"

I said,

He tried to recover by saying,

"That's awesome."

But did he really think it was awesome? I didn't really think it was awesome. I thought it was horrific.

Here's the thing: I love pancakes. If I'm going to eat pancakes, I'm REALLY going to eat pancakes. I think, in general, I eat like a man.

Here's the other thing: Parks and Recreation had a disappointingly not funny first season, but then after that, it started to get amazing. I figured this out when I was out of stuff to watch on Netflix. There's this one part when Andy and his band are playing for the senior citizens and no one is cheering or flashing them so he can't tell if they're doing okay. His bandmate says "Maybe you should try singing like Louis Armstrong." Andy says, "Maybe, yeah." Then he adds, "Here's the thing, though: Who is that?"

So.... now I have this one phrase that I find myself plopping into every single conversation I have. Plop.

Another shining moment on Talk of the Nation

Host: Jeannie, welcome.

Caller: Thank you.

[Awkward pause.]

Guest: Jeannie, welcome to the program.

Caller: Thank you very much.

[Awkward pause.]

Host (slightly annoyed): Jeannie, you're on the air. Go ahead.

People! Here are some Talk of the Nation rules of thumb that you need to memorize before you call in!

1. Don't ask the host how he is doing. He already answered that question 20 times.

2. Dive right into your comment! Don't wait for a prompt from the host.

3. When you hear the music, WRAP IT UP!

And there you have it. Now get on that phone, call up Neal Conan, and make me proud!

Letting myself go

This afternoon I got out of the shower and never ended up brushing my hair. The makeup also never happened and I accidentally had my shirt on inside out. Seth came home and took a look at everything and said, "Did you do something special with your hair today?"

Husband of the Year.

Three things about Jonah

1. He doesn't realize that he has to take his pacifier out of his mouth when he wants to suck on something else, so he just bangs the something else against his pacifier and looks confused.

2. He's very pleasant about it when I unceremoniously snatch the clean diaper he's been playing with from his hands so I can use it to cover his bum.

3. He likes to tell the water who's boss as he enthusiastically smacks it down in the bathtub.

One thing you need not bother packing for your next trip to Portland:

Sunglasses.

Also, pajamas, if you have a baby. You will not be getting any sleep because your baby will be waking up for a good cry at least 5 times per night. He will not relent, even after a stern talking to. Your friend Gaye may offer to quietly reason with him over the phone, but you will probably say no thank you because by this point you have lost your faith in his ability to be persuaded. Also because you are pretty sure she meant the offer as a joke.

But you will still enjoy your trip to Portland because they sell doughnuts in the shape of voodoo dolls and they have a polar bear at the zoo. Also you get to see your grandma even though when you called to tell her you were coming to see her she thought you said your name was Bonnie and so was expecting a friend from San Francisco who she hadn't seen in years. You don't understand why she would think her friend Bonnie would be calling her Mana, but you just take it all in stride because this is Mana we're talking about. Mana, the mother of Tatu.