Wait a second

How come there's no contraction for "am not"?

is + not = isn't

are + not = aren't

am + not = am not

I amn't going to stand for this.

Why do I do the things that I do?

Scene One:

See that grown woman? Walking down the street with her heels and her gigantic Liz Clairborne purse? Pulling off strips of cheese from her cheese stick and gulping them down? Reminding you of the foods you used to eat when you were in kindergarten?

That's me. Feeling stupid.

Scene Two:

I select from the office refrigerator a cup of sugar-free pudding that I placed there earlier this week. Then I select a (non-eco-friendly) plastic spoon from the plastic spoon box. On my journey back to my desk, I peel off the foil top to the pudding cup, and as I pass through the dim conference room, I proceed to lick away. Then I freeze mid-lick as I realize that there are two other people--who likely never eat pudding cups let alone lick the foil tops--entering the dim conference room from the other side, watching me lick.

How do I feel? Even stupider.

I think it's time for a nap. And then recess.

I just finished my 3 o'clock snack

... so now it's time for my 4 o'clock snack.

Why am I hungry all the time??

(And no, I'm not eating for two.)