Thursday, October 27, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
First of all, he's the smartest kid in town. I'm not arguing with that. But there is one case of his that I always think back on with a little bit of doubt.
There was a contest of smarts going on, and it was down to the final two contestants. Each would get a prize. One of the contestants was the son of a man who kept books for a living. Anyways, the last question was: "Name a word that has three sets of double letters in a row." One kid came up with a word and won first prize, but the aforementioned son of the accountant got it wrong and earned second prize.
After the prizes were awarded, they discovered that the first place prize was broken. It was up to Encyclopedia to discover who had broken it. But guess what. He already knew. You flip to the back of the book and Encyclopedia tells you: The second place guy did it, of course. He was the son of an accountant, so there was no way he didn't know an answer to the final question: BOOKKEEPER. So he obviously threw the competition in order to avoid winning the first place prize, which he had to have known was broken.
Here is my thought on that one, Encyclopedia: JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE THE SON OF AN ACCOUNTANT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE REALIZED THAT A WORD DESCRIBING YOUR FATHER'S PROFESSION HAS THREE DOUBLE LETTERS IN A ROW.
I think that would be pretty easy to miss.
But still. Kudos to you, Encyclopedia, for realizing that if George Washington had REALLY stabbed a tree with his sword and left it there for hundreds of years, the sword would have grown with the tree and been out of reach. And for knowing that if a kid had really abandoned his telescope in the middle of examining the sun, three hours later the telescope would have to be aimed at a spot in the sky where the sun no longer was.
I still think of you as the best boy detective around.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
I wish they wouldn't ask that. The answer is too often no, and where does the conversation go after that?
"Did you find everything you were looking for?"
"No, you didn't have queen-sized purple cotton bed sheets."
[or "No, you didn't have black stretch pants for a baby boy."]
[or "No, you didn't have deodorant that smells like cookies."]
[or "No, you didn't have a painting of downtown Boise done in the style of Ernst Ludwig Kirchner."]
[or "No, you didn't have reasonably priced gouda cheese."]
"Oh. Yeah. We don't have that."
Did either of us get anything out of that exchange? I certainly did not. So I usually answer the question like this:
But then I feel a little bit resentful because they put me in a position where I had to lie.
The shopping question I hate least:
"Would it be all right if we gave you all this stuff for free?"
Friday, September 23, 2011
2. I accidentally lost said receipt before I could hand it back to the billing lady.
3. I locked my keys, phone, and burp rags in the car and had to wait for the locksmith (after borrowing a smart phone from a stranger) with a barf-covered baby.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
"Oh! You ate it all!"
He tried to recover by saying,
But did he really think it was awesome? I didn't really think it was awesome. I thought it was horrific.
Here's the thing: I love pancakes. If I'm going to eat pancakes, I'm REALLY going to eat pancakes. I think, in general, I eat like a man.
Here's the other thing: Parks and Recreation had a disappointingly not funny first season, but then after that, it started to get amazing. I figured this out when I was out of stuff to watch on Netflix. There's this one part when Andy and his band are playing for the senior citizens and no one is cheering or flashing them so he can't tell if they're doing okay. His bandmate says "Maybe you should try singing like Louis Armstrong." Andy says, "Maybe, yeah." Then he adds, "Here's the thing, though: Who is that?"
So.... now I have this one phrase that I find myself plopping into every single conversation I have. Plop.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Saturday, July 2, 2011
"I'm not crying because I'm laughing so hard, I'm crying because it's so beautiful."
P.S. This was a lie.
Friday, July 1, 2011
If you are a national news outlet, you will want to make absolutely sure that all your readers/viewers know about this.
Other things the royals do that your audience will definitely want to know about:
- Go shopping.
- Use the bathroom.
- Admire gardens.
- Wear pants.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A dead cat.
In the rose bushes in my front yard.
He went and got the neighbor whose cat it was (had been), and I took a cue from the first neighbor and expressed sympathy for his loss.
Later I came back to my senses and remembered I’M the one who needs sympathy because I’M the one who stumbled upon a DEAD CAT in the rose bushes.
 The relative degree to which my liking for you increases depends fully on how much I like you now. If I already like you a lot, then this added knowledge can only be a drop in the sea of my appreciation of you. But if I only barely tolerate you, then you might move up to the level of respectful tolerance, which I’d say is a big jump.
 This line, in addition to being from a movie, is what always runs through my head after changing Jonah’s diapers.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
2. Seth, would you like to name our next child Hosni?
3. Yesterday as I walked past our neighbors' side yard, their mean dog screamed at me and body slammed the fence as usual, only this time he managed to accomplish his goal, which was to knock over the fence. Okay, not the whole fence. Just a board. He was stunned for a second, then he resumed screaming and body slamming and trying to squeeze through the gap so he could kill me. Get a life, man.