Friday, July 30, 2010

How To Annoy Seth

1. Eat crackers in bed (already discussed).
2. Try the same joke over and over for years on end (also already discussed).
3. Try to share his pillow.
4. Call him nicknames (for example...) that have nothing to do with his actual name.
5. Call him nicknames that have something to do with his actual name but that he hates (example: BETH).
6. Get really bored in the car and decide to scat (and really put your heart into it), even though you don't know how.
7. Put your lips on his lips and try to carry on a conversation. (Though he has developed a defense for this one: He blows out as hard as he can into your mouth, which is annoying. But do your best to keep it up!)
8. Hold a ceramic frog in his face while he's trying to type up notes from a meeting.
9. Pretend to forget to turn off the bedside lamp when going to sleep until he asks at least twice. Every night (See #2).
10. Hide things (like wooden blocks or pants) inside his pillowcase.
11. Distort passages from the scriptures for your own purposes. (For example: "Seth. If you love me, KEEP MY COMMANDMENTS!!")

I have been working hard to become The Authority on this topic, but my research is still incomplete. I will keep you updated on my discoveries as more time goes by.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


You know what is a stupid bug? A pincher bug. (Both Seth and my friend Shannon say a pincher bug is actually called an earwig, but 1-Obviously they didn't attend the Woodland School of Entomology, and 2-That is disgusting.)

They hide in my oscillating sprinkler (which is OBVIOUSLY not made of nature) at night, and then the next morning when I bring the sprinkler in to rinse off the filter, they die an ugly death in my garbage disposal.


Friday, July 9, 2010


I am reading a book. It's a fantasy book. Please do not tell anyone who may have thought I was cool.

There is a character in it named Fatren. The first time I read the name, I thought it said Fart-en for a moment, and I snickered a little then reread it and got it right. Then the second and third and fourth and fifth times I read it, I thought it said Farten again. I kept snickering. Finally I gave into the impulse and just mentally changed his name to Farten. Now I don't bother correcting myself. It was inevitable, I guess.

The guy named Fart reminds me of the best joke my dad ever told (he even made it up himself). Okay, it wasn't very funny, so don't get your hopes up. At all. We used to ride Bay Area Rapid Transit (San Francisco's light rail system, also known as BART) all the time. Once when we were riding it, he said, "You know, Fresno has a BART system, too. They call it Fresno Area Rapid Transit." We didn't care until someone was bright enough to figure out that what the acronym would be. Then I remembered the moment with fondness for the rest of my life. Heh, heh.

See, my family thinks farts are hilarious. Exhibit A:

Matt and Josh Woodland, having the time of their lives in 2003.

See how hard they are laughing? That's how hard we were all laughing. This is in Sweden, where INFART means entrance and UTFART means exit. I'm not sure what FART by itself means, but I'm sure the Swedes all spend their days laughing their butts off, just like the Woodlands did when we were visiting.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

A message to my devoted readers in Asia:

Chinese (traditional):


방문해 주셔서 감사합니다. 제발 다시 한번. 당신을 사랑합니다.

Thank you for visiting. Please come again. I love you.

I have been noticing a spurt of commenters on my blog who use Asian characters. Some friends have gently informed me that they are spam, but I prefer not to accept that possibility and just assume they are saying things like: "Dani, your blog is the best" and "Dani, I hear what you're saying, and I like it" and "Dani, if I die, would you please raise my children?"

I could turn on comment spam filtering to make sure, but HEY--we are all welcome here.