I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!

I have this expression I do, and it means: I'M SO EXCITED!!!!! Yes. five exclamation points. and all caps.

It goes like this: my shoulders go way up. so do my eyebrows. my neck scrunches so my chin is near my shoulders and my head tilts back a little. my eyes roll back and half close. I smile, my mouth open about an inch and a half. and then here is the crucial part: my hands come up in front of my mouth, palms to the face, and I wiggle my fingers. I let out a silent shriek. sometimes an almost silent shriek.

It sometimes varies a bit.

Here are some situations where I might employ that expression:

-I find out I'm going to get the chance to meet a local television news celebrity or politician
-my coworker mentions he is going to get a new dryer this weekend

I just realized that there aren't that many situations where I would use that expression. I may need to trade it out for a more versatile one.

an embarrassing moment, only now healing

In third grade, my teacher was into theater. He taught us things about it, like once he taught us this song that I still remember that went a little something like this:

hey, look me over, lend me an ear
fresh out of clover, mortgaged up to here...

It also had hand motions.

But the point is, there was this one time when he was quizzing us on theater vocabulary. He said things like "script" and "director," all of which were defined by eager third graders without a hitch. Then he got to "sets."

For a second I thought he said "sex," though being an ABNORMALLY smart third grader (right, mom?) I quickly deduced, based on the vocabulary category, that he must have said "sets."

But my thoughts were already moving in the wrong direction.

I had recently learned that "sex" didn't ALWAYS mean the thing that unworldly children snickered and whispered about on the playground. Sometimes it was a synonym for "gender."

I thought most of my less-sophisticated classmates were probably unaware of this alternate meaning, so I decided to blow my teacher away with my maturity and volunteer this information.

I guess it temporarily slipped my mind that he hadn't really asked for a definition of "sex."

After a long pause where nobody could come up with a definition for "sets," I raised my hand and smartly offered the definition for "sex:" "It's whether you're a boy or a girl," I bragged.

Mr. Baptista paused, realized what I must have been thinking, then exploded with laughter. "SETS, not SEX!" he said, wiping his eyes. The rest of the class giggled with him, eyes wide.

Later at recess a boy in my class came up to me and knowingly commiserated, "you thought he said 'sex,' huh?"

I just blushed, knowing that embarrassment could have EASILY been avoided. Kicking myself and my smart pants.

I don't think I've told that story before. I bet Mr. Baptista has, though.

Now that it's out in the open, maybe I can begin to forget.

Training

I try to mix things up a little bit at bed time. I periodically switch sides.

Seth used to forcibly resist such change, claiming it was physically impossible for him to sleep on a different side of the bed, but he's gotten to the point where he just incredulously questions what I'm doing and then accepts it.

The last few nights: right, left, right.

See, someone's got to prepare him. What if one day he gets called into the army and he is forced to sleep on a different side of a bed every night?

He'll be ready.

This is how Seth plays with babies

Kay. he lies down on the floor, closes his eyes, and starts to snore. Loudly.

The baby looks at him, startled.

The baby looks at me for an explanation.

I play along, saying, "Look! he's sleeping!"

The baby looks back at Seth. Wide eyes. It walks toward him to investigate.

It approaches his head.

Seth: (opens his eyes and bares his teeth.) "RAAARRRRRR!!! RAARRRRR!!! RAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!"

Baby: cries for half an hour.

Things that make me cry:

1. Special Olympics
2. Grey's Anatomy
3. Toast














Okay, not toast.

Drama in Sacrament Meeting

Here's what happened yesterday:

Guy at the podium: We'd like to extend a release to Danny Grigg as second counselor in the Primary presidency.

Mass hysteria ensues. Children begin to wail. Parents gape at each other in disbelief. Primary teachers contemplate resigning in protest. Walls shake. Lights flash.

Congregation offers a vote of thanks.

Guy at the podium: The following individual has been called to a new position: Danny Grigg, as first counselor in the primary presidency.

Congregation: Oh.

I think most of this was in my head.

The AP Stylebook is Fantastic

"Literally means in an exact sense; do not use it figuratively. Wrong: He literally bled them white. (Unless the blood was drained from their bodies.)"

Yes!

Something from Seattle

A boy got on the bus wearing at least two pairs of pants (Colette and Erik say it was three or four) and an outrageously hairy sweater/pelt with two fat raccoon tails hanging off the back. Two.

I thought about asking him why he had two raccoon tails, but then I thought better of it. If you have one raccoon tail, why the heck shouldn't you have two?

Right?

THESE ARE NOT MY FISH!

But I do have three fish of my own. Their names are Matt, Josh and Poopy. I take pretty good care of them. Seth helps.

Josh is a girl. A mean girl. If I had known he was a mean girl, I would have named her Jerk Face. Or Jerk Face The Girl. Too late.

Good afternoon

Wow, 12:01 p.m. and my coworker has seamlessly made the transition from answering the phone with a "Good morning" to answering the phone with a "Good afternoon!"

This is impressive.

Also: I see no reason whatsoever that a.m. should switch to p.m. at 12:00 rather than 1:00. It would make so much more sense if it went from 11:59 a.m. to 12:00 a.m. The whole clock just needs to be shifted so one is at the top, where it belongs. Okay?

Another solution: go from 11:59 a.m. to 0:00 p.m. This also works.